


Horuss Zahhak Must Die

by cthchewy (pyrrhic_victoly)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Crack, F/M, M/M, fickle teenagers, rated for damara being damara, shitty roleplaying, this is troll disney channel right here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 10:18:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8009821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyrrhic_victoly/pseuds/cthchewy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Horuss stole her man.  Now he must die.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Horuss Zahhak Must Die

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Newtavore](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Newtavore/gifts).



> OH HEY, SO. This would have been your Palestuck gift, but it turned out not really being about the moirallegiance at all. (You could say… at some point it completely went _off the ‘rails_. Ahaha. Ha.) Hope you enjoy it anyway!

**Day 1**

It’s three hours post-breakup, and you have decided: Horuss Zahhak is going to die. He is going to die at your hand for stealing your matesprit and humiliating you in front of your peers. You hope he dies with that ridiculous grin still on his face.

Normally, if a matespritship broke up due to one party cheating, the other party would vow to exact vengeance against the cheater. However, the cheater in question is Rufioh Nitram, your wigglerhood friend. He was your best friend, and if you’re honest with yourself, maybe he always will be. You’re pissed off and refusing to speak to him, but you know you’ll eventually take him back as a friend. You knew his faults when you started dating him; you knew how wishy-washy he could be about turning others down. 

Rufioh was your first; you thought he would be your always. When the other kids teased you for your accent, Rufioh was the only one to stand up for you right away. He learned your native language just to make things “fair” between the two of you. No one had ever been so kind to you as he was.

Rufioh is at fault, yes, but Horuss was the one who threw himself at a taken troll and used Rufioh’s “can’t say no” personality against him.

Besides, you already attempted to shank Rufioh with the school cafeteria’s plastic cutlery.

 

**Day 4**

The weekend does nothing to cool down the rumors spreading about you. News of Rufioh’s near-shanking was too juicy to be forgotten so soon. Day after day you’ve had to deal with dirty looks and bitches gossiping behind your back, fake-whispering at a volume they _know_ you’ll hear. They say you’re psycho, unhinged, an attention-seeking drama queen. That’s so rich coming from the likes of Meenah Peixes. Her picture probably shows up on the TVTropes page for Alpha Bitch.

You feel pretty good about the rumors, actually. The nasty sacks of waste who had always sneered at you for being different could better rationalize their prejudice now that you’d instantly become a Bad Girl over night. (Well, over lunch break.) You were getting sick of all the East Beforan Nice Girl stereotypes they heaped on you anyway.

Meenah, though. She just doesn’t. Let. Up.

“Gill, how cod you not know he was cheating on you? I bet you knew, but you were just too much of an octopussy to say anyfin.”

“You lost your buoy to _Horuss_ of all people. _Horse-face Horuss_. Damn, that must stingray!”

The old Damara would have let things slide because violence only breeds more violence, or whatever Kankri and Porrim like to say. You are not that doormat any longer. You don’t need Rufioh to protect you from bullies – you can do that yourself, thanks very much. 

Meenah goes on your hit list.

During free period, you stomp across campus to the middle school’s courtyard. The twerps are having recess because that’s still a thing for little grubs. You march right through them, parting them like Troll Moses, smirking as you realize most of them have their eyes glued to the hem of your skirt like they’ve never seen a girl’s thighs before.

“Hi, Damara. What are you doing here?” Aradia kicks her sneaker-clad feet, letting them swing and dangle in mid-air. She’s sitting on the surface of a picnic table while her friends hang out on the benches or the grass. (Or, in the case of Meulin’s crazy little sister, on the tree branch above.) 

It’s all so sickeningly cute, watching them play at relationship dramas. The way the friends flirt amongst each other reminds you of how you used to act around Rufioh. They have no idea what kind of True High School Backstabbing is in store for them in the coming sweeps.

“Business with your friend,” you say. And, because being an intimidating, sexually mature high schooler isn’t enough, you slam your foot down on an empty spot on the bench, making your skirt ride up scandalously high. You turn your best smolder toward Latula’s sister and throw down. 

Forty boonbucks, cash. 

The bills make a satisfying thwap against the rotting wood. Terezi, being amazingly shrewd for a middle schooler, counts and sniffs her earnings before tucking it into her hoodie. “What can I do for you, Aradia’s sister? Sweet? Savory? Rotten?”

“Rotten. Time-delay ones. The worst you’ve got.”

Terezi cackles, complete with the Evil Mastermind Finger Wiggle. She digs into her backpack for rotten scent-bombs, each small enough to be shoved through locker vents. They’re carefully packaged in plastic wrap _and_ plastic baggies. 

Terezi’s a smell-obsessed weirdo, but also the best chemistry student the school district’s ever seen. If she says these are rotten, they’ll be _putrid_. Meenah’s going to have one hell of a time getting the smell out.

You plant some in Horuss’ locker, too. And Rufioh’s for good measure.

Ah, it feels so good to be bad.

 

**Day 13**

You’re talking to Rufioh again. Sort of.

“Hey doll, are you still angry with me?” he asks.

“Yes.”

“Ah, I thought so. I really miss you, though. Like, friend-wise, having someone to talk to about feelings and decisions and stuff, you dig? I don’t think I could ever say that kind of crazy stuff to any of my other friends.”

“You want to talk _feelings_? Want to be my _moirail_ now and try stomping on my bloodpusher in two quadrants, huh. Go fuck yourself on the horse dick you bought with my broken heart.”

“Haha… Wow. Ouch. Guess I deserved that...”

You reign in the urge to kick him in the bulge.

You try, anyway. The urge is too strong and you end up making an aborted twitchy leg-spasm. At least the leg-spasm was slow enough for Rufioh to jump out of the way and not have his globes smashed, so you still consider this a success from an anger-management standpoint.

You’re pretty sure all your anger issues would disappear with Horuss Zahhak’s death.

 

**Day 15**

To his credit, Rufioh’s been giving you your space. Yesterday he left a note on your desk saying that he still wants to talk whenever you’re ready. Your anger toward him goes down one notch.

It goes back up one notch when you see him and his boyfriend canoodling in the cafeteria at the very table in which you almost shanked him. The half-melted plastic knife is still lodged into the table, possibly fused into it by now.

You catch Horuss’ eyes when he turns away after Rufioh presumably says something embarrassing. He breaks out in a sweat as you point to the knife-turned-modern-art-fixture, then slowly drag your finger up to him.

Rufioh looks mildly creeped out when Horuss’ sweat pools into his grubloaf.

 

**Day 19**

“Break up with Horuss,” you say.

It’s the weekend, and you’ve come to the Nitram residence uninvited. Rufioh is in the backyard playing Fiduspawn with his little brother when you sashay in and straddle a chair between them.

“Uh,” says Rufioh.

“Can I, um, get you some water?” says Tavros. Cute kid. A bit wimpy, but sweet.

Tavros is edging away when you level him with a glare. “You make my sister cry and I end you.”

“W-what? No, uh, no. We’re not dating…?”

“Chill, Damara. Your beef’s with me.” Rufioh gestures for Tavros to leave, which he does. Gladly.

“Beef? What beef? You say you want to be friends, we are friends. We are having polite conversation now. Break up with Horuss. He’s bad for you.”

“Wow.” Rufioh pauses. You can feel his insecurities rising. “You… do know that me breaking up with Horuss wouldn’t mean we get back together, right?”

“I’m the one who break up with you. I don’t want you back. Filthy cheater.”

“Ooookay then. As long as we’re clear on that… But Damara, I _do_ actually like Horuss, you know. I mean the guy can be pretty… intense… but he’s cool when he’s not, like, you know, being super-intense!”

“Horuss always intense, never cool. You know this.”

He knows this, but he refuses to listen to reason. You huff in disappointment and leave him to be smothered by his boyfriend’s intensity. For now.

You _should_ just leave him to suffer forever, but, well, you _are_ still friends.

 

**Day 22**

Rufioh still refuses to see that Horuss is bad for him and they should break up. Well, you'll _make_ him see. It's your duty as a friend, after all. Against your better judgment, you begin, for lack of a better word, _stalking_ Horuss. You will gather evidence and prove that Horuss is no good. This has nothing to do with the fact that you're still angry at them for going behind your back.

...Okay, it's only half revenge. They really are bad for each other!

Horuss is wary of you, so it’s difficult to spy on him during school hours. You wait until schoolhive is out, then tag along as “chaperone” for Aradia when she goes to do her stupid little weekly roleplay thing with Meulin’s sister.

Many of your classmates and their siblings are also in attendance – the Pyropes, Serkets, and most importantly the Zahhaks because of their moirallegiances to the Leijons. Normally you don’t bother coming to these things since Aradia is mature enough to handle herself, but today Rufioh is absent since Tavros also couldn’t make it due to cat allergies acting up.

Aranea tries to chat you up, but all it takes is one glare to silence her.

Meulin squeals a lot and then asks if you’re going to be “rude” because she will kick you out of her hive if you are rude. And also, you better not be mean to her moirail because you’re jelly that he took your peanut butter. Or something like that. It’s hard to understand her when she gets excited.

“I do not like the jelly,” you say disingenuously and in the thickest East Beforan accent you can muster. “I like the jam. I like to smother it all over myself as I lay writhing, waiting for you to suck it off my lewd body.”

As expected, she doesn’t understand a single word. No one does, so you’re allowed to stay. Aradia happily guides you through character creation.

You name your chaotic neutral tiefling warlock Bukkake Nipplefuck.

 

**Day 29**

Stupid Roleplaying Time, Take Two.

The Nitrams continue to be absent. You assume this is because Tavros is hiding from the crazy bitch with a crush on him rather than allergies. You know he has medicine for allergies.

This gives you more freedom to abuse your “new to the game” and “this is not my native language” status to kill your own teammates many times, especially Horuss.

For example:

“I cast Witch Bolt on… Horuss? What this do?”

“No no no. Damara, that would kill him.”

“Oops, already rolled.”

And also:

“Our intrepid heroes stand under the sheer cliff,” Terezi narrates. “The treasure is above them, set into the stone’s face, only a moderate climb above. However! Too much force could set off an avalanche! How shall you proceed?”

“As the only elf in this party, I am the fleetest of foot. I approach the cliff,” Horuss says.

“I cast Witch Bolt on treasure rock. Make it come down, yes?”

Killing Horuss is very satisfying. Unfortunately, your other party members keep whining about your actions to the DM, resulting in a lot of do-overs and revived Horusses. 

Strangely, Horuss is the only one who doesn’t complain about you. Even Aradia is telling you to consider making a new character if this is the way you play chaotic alignments. But Horuss, when he looks at you, just appears… contrite, like he knows he’s wronged you. Like he knows he should apologize, but something’s holding him back.

Then he and Meulin share glances, and Meulin mimes smiling faces at him instead of encouraging him to make things right with you like a good moirail would. (Really, you’re not so changed that a genuine apology wouldn’t be enough for you. You’ve _mostly_ forgiven Rufioh, after all.) That gross fake-grin of his returns, and you wonder if being stuck with Meulin isn’t punishment enough for him.

 

**Day 36**

Meulin breaks it off with Horuss. She skips out on Stupid Roleplaying Time to go toke up behind the abandoned mill with Kurloz Makara.

Horuss spends all of Stupid Roleplaying Time sighing and looking sad. You can see why he and Rufioh would be attracted to each other (even if they’re undeniably bad for each other). They’re both pushovers who got bullied into relationships they weren’t really sure they wanted.

You teamkill his noble elven archer Alpha Centauri like, fifty goddamn times. Just to kick him while he’s down. Not to kick him out of his funk or anything.

 

**Day 37**

Rufioh breaks up with Horuss. Finally. You’ve been saying it to him forever, and he finally listened. Apparently, without Meulin pushing him to smile and be pushy all the time, Horuss is actually very gloomy and passive. Well, that’s his real personality – everyone just forgot about it since he’d been fake for so long.

To think this farce of a relationship lasted more than a month! That’s almost a legitimate record: longest time a pushover fairy and pushover sweaty horseman have dated.

“I think I just want to be single for a while,” Rufioh says glumly. “A very long while.”

“Good,” you say. “If you try rebound right away, I will auspisticize between you and poor life choices.”

 

**Day 42**

Horuss has spent the better part of the week moping around after being double-dumped. Ugh. This idiot. He really needs someone to manage him.

Original-flavored Horuss is much more tolerable than Smiling Dick Horuss. Original-flavored Horuss comes to the conclusion that Meulin was wrong about a lot of things, like how their siblings being meant for each other meant that _they_ were meant for each other. And also pretty much everything involving how to deal with problems – namely, problems don’t go away with smiles and baseless confidence.

Horuss slinks up to you and apologizes. He explains that he really liked Rufioh and didn’t know what else to do about those feelings, which you kind of understand. You really liked Rufioh too, and you’ve done your share of shit because of that.

“We’re both dumb,” you tell him. “Rufioh’s not that great. You can do better. I help you do better.”

 

**Day 43**

He keeps you calm and feeling more like your old self; you set him straight when he’s being an idiot.

Horuss Zahhak is your moirail. You guess you can let him live for a while longer.

**Author's Note:**

> Rufioh ♣ Damara ♣ Poor Life Choices OT3 forever.


End file.
